Come What May
by Novacaine13
Summary: "Because, Rose, I'll tell you sooner or later." The Doctor's feelings for Rose are sincere and profound, but why doesn't he tell her?


Come What May (English)

Hello Rose.

I'm at the ending of this fantastic regeneration of mine and I can't say anything of what I'd like to say to you.

I want you to know that you brought light in two hearts broken by the war I had to fight and that I had never thought I could feel this way for a stupid ape. But I think that you'd already got that when I told you you'd been fantastic, I actually meant something else, that I find so difficult just to think about.

When you absorbed the Time Vortex to come and save me, I almost got mad because I didn't think it was worth enough risking your life to say an old stupid like me.

I shall thank you though, so that I'll have another chance to be with you, only if you'll still want me.

I'm just going to be very careful not to hurt you during the regeneration, otherwise I wouldn't forgive myself.

To the next time, you were fantastic!

Hello Rose.

It's still me but different. I think you have already realised it, and either I have by the way you look at me.

This new version of mine is more impulsive, doesn't think so much like the former, so when you asked me I almost told you.

But I didn't because it wasn't how I was supposed to say it to you.

I'd love you to know how hard it is to see the people who travel with you when they leave for any reason. You promised you'll stay with me forever but in the end we both know it will never happen. I couldn't bear to see you getting old and, even though you would never admit, I can already see that look on your beautiful face.

Because, Rose, I'll tell you sooner or later.

I still can't believe it.

Not even a situation of life or death could lead me to say those three simple words.

Because I knew it wouldn't be fair for you to let you know like that, by another one's mouth, after getting to know I jumped.

But you already know, isn't it?

Nevertheless it doesn't seem it bothers you that I have never told you, it's been more than two years we've been travelling together, but I don't really think those words need to be said out loud. Never needed to give voice to things between you and me, just one look and we understand.

There's still time anyway, I'm sure.

Stupid Doctor.

More than 900 years old and still you don't have enough courage?

Once again I almost lost you and almost was trapped forever. Yet I wasn't able to tell you.

Get ready, Rose Tyler, the moment is coming.

Idiot.

You, me.

I was preparing myself not to see you again without a proper goodbye, and there you are reappearing a few seconds later.

I believed then the two of us could win as we always did together, but seeing you losing hold on that lever, took my breath away, nonetheless I don't need to breathe as humans do.

Pete then appeared from nowhere and brought you in the other universe, with the Void closing right after that forever.

You know the worst part?

Even if you were about to die, I could clearly read on your face the delusion as if you were thinking "I'm sorry, Doctor, I couldn't help you. I don't want to leave you alone and it's only my entire fault."

No, Rose. It hasn't absolutely been your fault. Never have. And this constant concern you have for others, more than for yourself, made this profound feeling I have for you rise and mature.

But you will never know, because I'm not having anymore the chance to see you again and I still don't know how I'm going to live with this pain. Perhaps one or two regenerations will do.

Oh Rassilon, neither now I can bring myself to think about those three simple words.

Who knows if I'm ever going to get out of the TARDIS and if I'll ever be able not to see your face disappear every time I close my eyes?

"_Rose Tyler, I-"_

Bloody link. Two more seconds and I would have told you.

You found courage and even if you knew you wouldn't be able to see me again, you still said those hurtful words that touched deeply both my hearts, more than you had already done.

I saw the cold Norwegian wind hitting your face and I felt it inside.

I saw tears streaming down your face, all that mascara you wear on your wet cheeks and I could clearly feel tears streaming from these old eyes that never stop looking at you.

I saw delusion when you found out you couldn't touch me and I would have given everything to hold you just one more time and tell you that it all was a bad dream and that I would have never let you go.

I saw in your eyes for a moment that feeling of greatness and uniqueness when I said I was burning up a sun just to say goodbye and believe me, I would burn 1000 more suns to see you again just for a few seconds.

I couldn't see your beautiful face when I disappeared, but I'm sure it was the same as mine. Delusion, sadness. Once again those bloody words didn't come out of my mouth and now you won't ever be able to hear them from me.

I just want to let you know that I'm such a coward I couldn't even say them when the link went out; I kept them secret all this time, and I will keep them until I forget them or I see you again, but we both realised this will never happen.

Goodbye Rose Tyler, defender of the Earth.

It's been two or more years since that tremendous day and I still don't believe Donna has talked to you.

She didn't even know who you were, but with the words "Bad Wolf" I found hope again.

I'm going to see you, Rose. But not if you see me first.

Here we are.

On that same shore.

You, me and the other me, impossibly possible.

And I'm still a coward, I won't stop saying that, because I left you in that same universe with "me" but not with me. It's hard for you to understand, but trust me, I still don't get it either.

But he as my same thoughts, feelings and personality. And he's human: he only has one heart, one life and wants to spend it with you.

The only adventure I could never have, and the only one I wish I had.

And here you are, asking the ending of that sentence I never was able to finish, that I don't have to courage to finish because I don't think it does need saying. You already know and I don't like repeating myself.

But then you ask it to the other me, and he leans down and whispers something in your ear.

You look at him and you kiss him. You have eventually heard it and you can now spend the eternity with me.

Even though it's not me, not really.

And it hurts, I can feel my hearts skipping two beats.

Seeing you kissing him makes me realise we really never had the chance to kiss properly.

The first time, with the old me, the kiss had to remove the Time Vortex that made you become Bad Wolf and don't let it kill you; furthermore you don't even remember it.

The second time, with this me, it wasn't really you because Lady Cassandra was possessing your mind and took advantage of me. I later realised she was following your mind.

Now here you are with _him_. I have to leave because I can't stand anymore the sight of you two together, too painful.

Goodbye then, Rose Tyler.

I'm sure you're going to have a fantastic and brilliant life with this me.

I don't want to go.

I know the time has come, it was already been predicted.

This one goodbye though, I want it to be worthy, that's why I visited all my still-living companions. A few words. Didn't need many.

But you, my darling, were the last one.

When I came to see you, it was when we hadn't already met.

There still were a few months left until that night trapped in the cellar, surrounded by shop window dummies - oh, such a long time ago. I took your hand. I said one word, "Run!", to save from those dummies that almost killed us.

There still were a few months left until my rough bursting into your life, when, without thinking, I invited you to travel with me. And you, at first insecure, followed this old madman, all ears and northern accent.

I kind of hurts not saying a proper goodbye, but I would have intertwined my own time line, creating a paradox, and this wouldn't have been a good thing.

So now in the TARDIS while I feel the regenerating energy doing its work, I think about you, Rose.

About your hazel eyes always full of curiosity towards every world I brought you to.

About all that makeup you used to wear, but you always looked beautiful to me.

About that imperfect mouth and that tongue-smile that really made me crazy and moved something inside me.

About your caring towards strangers, bigger than your self caring.

About the love I know you felt for me.

Now, Rose Tyler, I can allow myself to say it, hoping I won't forget it in my next mind.

I love you.


End file.
